An Artist’s Introspection

The Big Question flying around in my head lately -”Why do I make art?”

The perfectly obvious answer to anyone that has ever known me – “Rachel, that is what you do.  That is who you are. You are an artist.” It seems as if it is the act of making art that defines me as a person, and without that attribute I would not be the Rachel that I am. My family and friends agree, “Rachel and Art are like Peanut Butter and Jelly.”

But for me that does not answer the question – WHY? I have an ever present knack for questioning everything, especially my own motivations.  When the answer seems so simple to most people, I tend to delve deeper. What is this persistent driving force that will not allow me to stop creating? The truest answer is far less superficial than a personal definition and more an element of survival instinct.  Let me explain.

When I was three years old, I began having night-terrors, extreme nightmares that seem so real they often cause the dreamer to scream and fight in their sleep.  My Mama would try to calm me, but still asleep, my fears were difficult to calm. As I got older the night-terrors invaded the daylight. The best description I am able to forge is that of a massive deep dark hole residing in the pit of my stomach threatening to grow and swallow up any sense of happiness or contentment around it. Often it would grow so large that I couldn’t breathe, and a Panic Attack would prevail.

Genetically, I found in my early 20s, my hard wiring is crossed and I have what is called Panic Disorder. The best way to describe this chemical imbalance uses the balloon example. When a balloon pops and you are unprepared, your body panics.  You heart rate elevates and your breathing increases. Once you realize what has happened and that you aren’t in any present danger, you heart rate slows down and you begin to calm, maybe even laughing to ease the panic. For me the “balloon” can pop anytime – without a true external stimulus. The difference is my body doesn’t calm down right away, because it doesn’t know that everything is okay, so the panic increases and peaks.  A Panic Attack can last as long as 15 to 20 minutes, and it is a completely helpless feeling.

Experiential Jungle - Soul Painting Series by RM Cotton

I also started drawing at the age of three, and I have never really stopped.  There have been very brief interludes in my life where I neglected my creative instincts, and in these days or months my black hole would expand and threaten to swallow me. The act of creating has always tames that deep abyss, and I believe that when I create art, I am using a divine gift to commune with the creation aspect of divinity. Artists around the world will tell you they often “get lost” in creating their work. I feel this is a sort of “creative meditation” through a deeper level of consciousness.  I know I am able to tap into my inner spirit when making art. Throughout my life, making my art has always helped tame the beast within me.

Lately, something new has awakened in my spirit, and I feel very strongly that I am meant to siphon the tapped energy of divinity thought INTO my artwork. In order to embark on this rather difficult artistic journey, I have begun a series of paintings, entitled “Soul Paintings” to focus on this practice of inviting the divine into my work by modifying the levels of my consciousness through prayer and meditation.  I call these “Soul Paintings” because I believe that the love and light of God is alive in each of us, and through my work and attunement with my spirit and soul I may better use my artwork to honor Creation and possibly help others pacify the beast within.